Sunday, 14 September 2014

My Troubles

If you read my recent(ish) post here you will know I touched on going through a bit of a rough time recently. I wish I could say that it has now passed but that would be a lie. 

Firstly I would like to point out that I know I am very lucky to have what I have and secondly yes there are a lot of people a lot worse off then me. But when people point this out to me it makes me feel worse not better. When people say that life is a gift I actually feel guilty for being here. I don't want this post to make anyone else feel bad or for anyone to feel sorry for me. I guess I just want to share what I am going through maybe by putting it out there it will help me.

Having suffered before I realised that I was heading down the same path. I became obsessed with things and trapped in a cycle of deeply unhealthy and disturbing thoughts. In some ways having been through something similar was both helpful and unhelpful at the same time. On the positive side I knew the signs so could seek help sooner but on the other hand I was terrified. I knew what was coming and I knew how bad it could get.

I went to the doctors and felt that they just wanted to put me on medication, I don't personally believe that my problems are 'medical' I don't want to offend anyone and I am no doctor but I don't think that taking pills without trying other options was the right thing to do. That hasn't been to say that it hasn't been extremely hard and at times I have wanted to go back to the doctor just to take the edge off. 

I guess it would be a good idea to say what I have been suffering, which is difficult as I do not agree with my doctor.

Again I don't want this post to be here to slag off the NHS I understand that we are incredibly lucky to have free health care but I don't believe that speaking to someone for five minutes who I have never seen before and ticking a few boxes actually counts as a diagnosis. 

I believe that I have anxiety which seems to be backed up by other services. I read somewhere, sadly I can't remember where, that depression is where the mind is focused on the past, either on a sad event or longing for past happier times. Anxiety is where the mind is consumed with fear of the future. 

Right now I am unable to enjoy the now, everything could be perfect I could be having the best day of my life, but I can't enjoy it. All I can think is how the next second it could all be smashed. The trigger seemed to be new neighbours moving in next door, I am not sure why this has had such a profound affect. I think it was it highlights the lack of control you have over your life. 

When I am most anxious is the weekends, most people count down to leaving time on a Friday but I dread it. I hate being alone at the weekends I feel trapped in my home and head and will do anything not to be home alone. If I go out I dread going home. Ideally I would love to move, but everyone is convinced that I would simply become fixated on something else.

After going to my doctor I was refereed to my local wellbeing service. The first stage was attending stress control classes. It was not group therapy more a of workshop and if you want more information you can visit

Every week you had to complete a questionnaire and after all the sessions you chat with another member of the  service and are evaluated. I was deemed to need more help so have been seeing a CBT therapist. I have been to counselling before and this is not the same at all. It is much more focused on the here and now, there are some questions about the past, but only in as much as how has your past made you view the world and how you fit into that world.

You are set homework, or at least I have been. I have been given relaxation exercises to do and been recommended to try exercise and meditation. I am also trying to not control my thoughts but to be able to focus on the ones I want to aka not the unhelpful ones.

Being happy is a lot more work then being unhappy it seems, but I am hoping that by following the advice I can get there.

If anyone reading this is struggling with any similar issues, I urge you to seek help, if you don't want to contact your GP there are several sites such as and I only know UK based sites but please don't face this alone.